Wednesday, March 28, 2012

HHS v Florida

I've read the oral arguments
And this I must conclude:
The judges sitting on the Court
Are very, very rude.

They interrupt the litigants
To ask them what or why,
And interrupt them once again
Before they can reply.

They conjure cases left and right,
And statutes by the score,
And ask the lawyers which of them
The Court should now ignore.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Marital Advice

I bought the latest paperback
At half its listed price,
For help on my relationships
And marital advice.

I read the book from front to back,
By paragraph and verse,
To soak up all the sapience
The author could disperse.

I followed all the hints and tricks
I came across therein,
And found my spouse amenable
As she had ever been.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Occupation: Whatever

One needn’t be clever
To be a Whatever.
You simply must sever
Your paying endeavor,
And promise to never
Perform whatsoever
With wrench or by lever
For pay by whomever.

And having selected
A life disconnected,
Your health is protected
By those we’ve elected.
For monies collected
Will soon be directed
To those most affected
By labor neglected.

Other Nancy Pelosi posts:

Friday, March 23, 2012

What’s a Lad to Do?

My civil disobedience
Began at six or so.
The teacher said, “No best of friends.”
I told her where to go.

And then they tried to confiscate
The lunch my mother packed.
I ate it there beneath my desk,
And heard the riot act.

They banned the sale of lemonade
I offered at my stand.
I moved my trade to alleyways,
For those with cash in hand.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Below the Salt

As Mayor Bloomberg wants to halt
Ingestion of excessive salt,
That which comprises shelter fare
Must be what they themselves prepare.

For those who give from want or need
A bit of food, the poor to feed,
Are famous for their incidence
Of sodium ambivalence.

And so the homeless are confined
To that which they are disinclined:
Nutrition of the highest mark
With all the flavor found in bark.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Rest is Best

The Bard is on vacation,
Returning Thursday morn:
A week away to rest and play –
And dry his powder horn.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Access Denied

The Ladies Who Lunch
Are all in a bunch
O’er reproductive rights;
They plan on a strike
Where men and the like
Have days of sexless nights.

But what are the odds
These elderly broads
Could raise a spouse’s brow,
By turning the cheek
Of their physique
To sex by solemn vow?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Inventing Children

Please have a seat, my little son,
As I explain what I have done,
To save the planet from the weight
Of those, like you, I procreate.

I’ve engineered your DNA
To cut your height and what you weigh,
Although, as little as you are,
I may have gone a bit too far.

By snipping further at the strands
Of various and sundry glands,
Your vision now displays the traits
Which tigers cherish in their mates.

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Render Wagon

The render wagon's on its way
To pick up dear old dad.
He's lived a long and useful life,
And ending it is sad.

But now he’s spending his estate
On healthcare profiteers,
To ease the pain and suffering
In these, his later years.

And when his money’s spent and gone
He may just turn to me,
For room and board and God knows what,
That he’ll expect for free.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Panty Clause

The sheriff stands before the court,
Which looks at him askance,
For clothing inmates at his jail
In pinkish underpants.

Such punishment, the court intones,
Without a legal cause,
Is extra-constitutional,
As per the Panty Clause.

Now set in law, the Panty Clause,
Discovered by the courts,
Defines the color and the hue
Acceptable for shorts.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Presidential Syncope

I think it makes a bit of sense
That people faint at his events,
For I am often light of head
When hearing what Obama said.

His presidential double-talk
Will often send me into shock,
And knock my balance all askew
With symptoms like the stomach flu.

I steel myself by drinking beer,
And hoping he will disappear,
But when I once again can see,
His voice continues haunting me.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Coed's Little Helper

With apologies to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, authors of Mother’s Little Helper

What a drag it is getting bored.

“Things are different today.”
I hear every coed say
That she can’t afford to pay
For birth control.
And though she’s not really poor,
There should be a coupon for
Girls who run to find the shelter
Of a coed’s little helper,
Which will free her up to play
With her handsome fiancé.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


The politicians, journalists,
And other lower forms,
Will work at length, by day and night,
To stifle true reforms.

But we, of independent age,
Can hand them hat and coat,
If we but simply exercise
Our sacred right to vote.

And though the field of challengers
May slog and thrash about,
We ought to feel sufficient thrill
To vote incumbents out.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Chariots of Fire

’Tis not enough to not burn gas,
As Chevrolet has seen:
The car itself must not burn up
To be considered green.

For people tend to shy away
From buying cars until
The cars have lost their tendency
To imitate a grill.

And who can blame a customer
For having no desire
To purchase from their government
A chariot of fire?

Other Chevy Volt posts: