Universal Hammer

Article link: Obama administration plan would kill rival bird to save spotted owl

If hammers are your only tool

Then everything’s a nail,

From taxes and entitlements

To owls, fish and quail.

The lesson for our fish and game,

And all our millionaires:

Avoid the measures of success –

Or say your daily prayers.

For if your work has brought success

Of monetary note,

The government will tax your wealth

To buy another’s vote.

PETA Ethics

Article link: PETA kills more than 95 percent of pets in its care

The PETA code is such,

As best as I can tell,

That if I were a pet,

I’d want to run like hell.

For ethics in their code

Says men are free to kill,

But not to wear the game

Or cook it on a grill.

So kill the fatted calf,

Or slay the golden goose,

But do not cross the line

Of putting them to use.

Acapulco Green

Article link: Obama promotes algae fuel

The Stoner in Chief has found the leaf

To power his campaign,

It comes from the class of algae mass

That’s known as Mary Jane.

A car on a batch of algae thatch

Can travel far and wide,

And poured on a joint, at boiling point,

It gives a pleasant ride.

So power your Jeep with gas that’s cheap,

And park along the curb,

To mellow a bit and take a hit

Of presidential herb.

Nine of Ten

Article link: Obama Adviser Argued: Kids from Big Families Have Lower IQs

I like to read the daily news,

And lately am engrossed

In yarns that show the reason why

I'm dumber than a post.

The Presidential science czar

Has helped me lately see:

The order of my family birth

Has been the curse of me.

Apparently the DNA

From which my body grew,

Was insufficient in the strands

That point to high IQ.

Alvarez the Liar

Article link: Can 'I Earned The Medal Of Honor' Get You Jailed?

The Court today did hear the case

Of Alvarez the Liar,

Who likes to clothe his résumé

In bits of false attire.

The circuit court below had said

The state could not require

A citizen like Alvarez

To imitate a friar.

(In truthfulness, I mean to say,

And not a friar’s fire

To shave his head and spend his day

As holy men desire.)

Ain’t Afraid to Tell

Article link: Army PT instructors don fake belly, breasts

My brother Billy wants to be

A starting quarterback,

But longing for a set of pads

Is something that I lack.

Instead, the drill instructor’s life

Holds more appeal for me;

I want to lead the boys and girls

In Pregnancy PT.

I’ll get to wear a set of breasts

And imitation bulge,

To Jazzercise around the base,

And otherwise indulge.

The Candy Czar

Article link: Mars Candy And Michelle Obama Are Making Candy Bars Smaller

The Candy Czar reduced the bar

That helped maintain my weight.

My choice to find another brand

Required no debate.

For when I'm ready for the rush

I get from calories,

I'd rather open just the one,

Than feed by twos or threes.

The New Breed

Article link: Archbishop Chaput on Obama HHS Mandate

It’s nice to have the miter

Atop a worthy fighter,

Obtaining good exposure

For those who bear the crosier.

Spinding

Article link: Obama Says Not Raising Taxes is a Form of Government Spending

That which we have not commandeered

We think of as expense,

For seeing what is thine as ours,

To us makes perfect sense.

We ought, we think as well, to say

What is the right amount,

That you should earn, possess, or hold

Within your bank account.

And furthermore, a mandate seems

To be the perfect tool,

To see that everyone will join

Our new insurance pool.

The Dashless Wench

Article link: Justice Ginsburg Should Resign

When peering down from on her bench,

The double-surname (dashless) wench

Employs the mirthless, tired scowl

Of one constrained by shackles foul.

The foul shackles which constrain

The sour justice like a chain,

Were written in the distant past

By men whose time and age has passed.

She much prefers the modern greats

Who hail from more progressive states,

Where charters are the latest trend,

And rights upon the state depend.

For in the state the justice sees

A better form of guarantees,

And Bader Ginsburg thinks it odd

Our rights have been endowed by God.

Apologia

I hate it when my paying job

Impedes my chance to write

The little bit of poetry

I cobble every night.

But so it is, and so it was,

Today and yesterday.

But what can starving poets do

With massive bills to pay?

And with these little bits of verse

My week must be complete,

And to the warmth of bed and sleep

I think I must retreat.

Acid Reflux

Article link: Harry Reid Says GOP Wants to Put ‘Arsenic And Mercury in the Water’

The Senate Leader, Harry Reid,

Is burdened with the gift of screed,

Which he employs from time to time

On topics doltish to sublime.

When Harry takes the Senate floor,

The members scramble for the door,

For no one wishes to be seen

With Harry when he makes a scene.

His latest bit of perjury,

Concerns the love of mercury

Republicans would see return

To water in the Senate urn.

Profiles in Prevarication

Article link: Online dating has its pros and cons

Where were the social scientists

With all their great advice,

When I was joining Match.com

In search of someone nice?

I worked my profile for a week,

And dropped a couple stone

Between the numbers on the scale

And what I let be known.

I posted in the income field

The cash I hope to earn,

Instead of what is listed on

My latest tax return.

Davenport Dining

Article link: Davenport school says 'Bye-bye fryer'

In Davenport, the fryer’s gone;

Instead they serve a plate of prawn,

With grapefruit cut in perfect halves –

And not a dish produced from calves.

‘Progressive’ is the term they use

For making hungry scholars choose

A spinach salad in disguise –

But not a single stick of fries.

They bake or steam each healthy dish,

Despite the fact that students wish

To have a midday Tater Tot,

Composed of starch, and steaming hot.

Super Bowl XLVI

The Picks by Bard in his premiere,

When calculated for the year,

Were good enough to get along:

For every ten but three were wrong.

Which means that in the coming year,

The Bard will seek to engineer

An app that lets the public see

His picks – when they have paid a fee.

Enamored by Tom Brady’s stats,

The wiser crowd says pick the Pats.

But I would rather risk my neck

Than call the game for Belichick.

And so I’ll pick the men in white

To end up on the stage tonight,

And hoist the trophy in the air –

While Brady showers in despair.

Lexical Largesse

I know a man that likes to use,

Instead of look, the word peruse.

I say examine would suffice;

But he would rather be precise.

Precision means he will not err

When speaking in the public square,

But often functions to negate

The thought he would communicate.

I once attempted to explain

Such words may serve to entertain

A lexicologist or two,

But not the members of our crew.

Box of Rocks

Article link: Pfizer recalls 1M birth control packs after mix-up

Good evening from your pharmacist!

I have a little news

About the box of birth control

You bought from us to use.

Review the expiration date

To help us diagnose

The chance of its effectiveness

Before you take a dose.

And if you threw the box away

Or never learned to read,

You’ll need a dose of self control,

Or babies may proceed.

l'inversion

Article link: A Quest For De-Baptism In France

I went to see my parish priest,

A week before the Christmas feast,

To tell him I should like to strip

My name from Catholic membership.

Since I was baptized in my youth,

It took me years to learn the truth:

A large percent of those within

The Catholic Church are prone to sin!

As I do not intend to pray

With those who may have gone astray,

I told the priest I must insist

My name be stricken from his list.