Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Universal Hammer

If hammers are your only tool
Then everything’s a nail,
From taxes and entitlements
To owls, fish and quail.

The lesson for our fish and game,
And all our millionaires:
Avoid the measures of success –
Or say your daily prayers.

For if your work has brought success
Of monetary note,
The government will tax your wealth
To buy another’s vote.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

PETA Ethics

The PETA code is such,
As best as I can tell,
That if I were a pet,
I’d want to run like hell.

For ethics in their code
Says men are free to kill,
But not to wear the game
Or cook it on a grill.

So kill the fatted calf,
Or slay the golden goose,
But do not cross the line
Of putting them to use.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Acapulco Green

The Stoner in Chief has found the leaf
To power his campaign,
It comes from the class of algae mass
That’s known as Mary Jane.

A car on a batch of algae thatch
Can travel far and wide,
And poured on a joint, at boiling point,
It gives a pleasant ride.

So power your Jeep with gas that’s cheap,
And park along the curb,
To mellow a bit and take a hit
Of presidential herb.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Nine of Ten

I like to read the daily news,
And lately am engrossed
In yarns that show the reason why
I'm dumber than a post.

The Presidential science czar
Has helped me lately see:
The order of my family birth
Has been the curse of me.

Apparently the DNA
From which my body grew,
Was insufficient in the strands
That point to high IQ.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Alvarez the Liar

The Court today did hear the case
Of Alvarez the Liar,
Who likes to clothe his résumé
In bits of false attire.

The circuit court below had said
The state could not require
A citizen like Alvarez
To imitate a friar.

(In truthfulness, I mean to say,
And not a friar’s fire
To shave his head and spend his day
As holy men desire.)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Ain’t Afraid to Tell

My brother Billy wants to be
A starting quarterback,
But longing for a set of pads
Is something that I lack.

Instead, the drill instructor’s life
Holds more appeal for me;
I want to lead the boys and girls
In Pregnancy PT.

I’ll get to wear a set of breasts
And imitation bulge,
To Jazzercise around the base,
And otherwise indulge.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Candy Czar

The Candy Czar reduced the bar
That helped maintain my weight.
My choice to find another brand
Required no debate.

For when I'm ready for the rush
I get from calories,
I'd rather open just the one,
Than feed by twos or threes.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The New Breed

It’s nice to have the miter
Atop a worthy fighter,
Obtaining good exposure
For those who bear the crosier.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


That which we have not commandeered
We think of as expense,
For seeing what is thine as ours,
To us makes perfect sense.

We ought, we think as well, to say
What is the right amount,
That you should earn, possess, or hold
Within your bank account.

And furthermore, a mandate seems
To be the perfect tool,
To see that everyone will join
Our new insurance pool.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Dashless Wench

When peering down from on her bench,
The double-surname (dashless) wench
Employs the mirthless, tired scowl
Of one constrained by shackles foul.

The foul shackles which constrain
The sour justice like a chain,
Were written in the distant past
By men whose time and age has passed.

She much prefers the modern greats
Who hail from more progressive states,
Where charters are the latest trend,
And rights upon the state depend.

For in the state the justice sees
A better form of guarantees,
And Bader Ginsburg thinks it odd
Our rights have been endowed by God.

Friday, February 10, 2012


I hate it when my paying job
Impedes my chance to write
The little bit of poetry
I cobble every night.

But so it is, and so it was,
Today and yesterday.
But what can starving poets do
With massive bills to pay?

And with these little bits of verse
My week must be complete,
And to the warmth of bed and sleep
I think I must retreat.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Acid Reflux

The Senate Leader, Harry Reid,
Is burdened with the gift of screed,
Which he employs from time to time
On topics doltish to sublime.

When Harry takes the Senate floor,
The members scramble for the door,
For no one wishes to be seen
With Harry when he makes a scene.

His latest bit of perjury,
Concerns the love of mercury
Republicans would see return
To water in the Senate urn.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Profiles in Prevarication

Where were the social scientists
With all their great advice,
When I was joining
In search of someone nice?

I worked my profile for a week,
And dropped a couple stone
Between the numbers on the scale
And what I let be known.

I posted in the income field
The cash I hope to earn,
Instead of what is listed on
My latest tax return.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Davenport Dining

In Davenport, the fryer’s gone;
Instead they serve a plate of prawn,
With grapefruit cut in perfect halves –
And not a dish produced from calves.

‘Progressive’ is the term they use
For making hungry scholars choose
A spinach salad in disguise –
But not a single stick of fries.

They bake or steam each healthy dish,
Despite the fact that students wish
To have a midday Tater Tot,
Composed of starch, and steaming hot.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Bowl XLVI

The Picks by Bard in his premiere,
When calculated for the year,
Were good enough to get along:
For every ten but three were wrong.

Which means that in the coming year,
The Bard will seek to engineer
An app that lets the public see
His picks – when they have paid a fee.

Enamored by Tom Brady’s stats,
The wiser crowd says pick the Pats.
But I would rather risk my neck
Than call the game for Belichick.

And so I’ll pick the men in white
To end up on the stage tonight,
And hoist the trophy in the air –
While Brady showers in despair.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Lexical Largesse

I know a man that likes to use,
Instead of look, the word peruse.
I say examine would suffice;
But he would rather be precise.

Precision means he will not err
When speaking in the public square,
But often functions to negate
The thought he would communicate.

I once attempted to explain
Such words may serve to entertain
A lexicologist or two,
But not the members of our crew.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Box of Rocks

Good evening from your pharmacist!
I have a little news
About the box of birth control
You bought from us to use.

Review the expiration date
To help us diagnose
The chance of its effectiveness
Before you take a dose.

And if you threw the box away
Or never learned to read,
You’ll need a dose of self control,
Or babies may proceed.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I went to see my parish priest,
A week before the Christmas feast,
To tell him I should like to strip
My name from Catholic membership.

Since I was baptized in my youth,
It took me years to learn the truth:
A large percent of those within
The Catholic Church are prone to sin!

As I do not intend to pray
With those who may have gone astray,
I told the priest I must insist
My name be stricken from his list.