Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Empress’ New Clothes


The White House took the time to say
Michelle did not buy lingerie
At prices topping 50k
In New York City, USA.

Her staff believes the press unfair
To publish stories, which they swear,
Were written with intent to err,
About her choice of underwear.

They hope the voting public knows
Her private choice in underclothes
Should not be subject to the throes
Of callous journalistic prose.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Stimulating Stocks


I like investment services
And helping clients find
Investments that will grow their wealth,
And give them peace of mind.

I analyze stock dividends
And annual reports,
To find the perfect companies
To play with longs and shorts.

I then review their P&Ls
And comb their balance sheets,
To find a magic formula
Or pattern that repeats.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Democratic State of Mind


Foul is foul. Fair is fair.
And everyone should pay their share.
So says the ‘justice’ president,
Who hopes to raise our discontent.

For in our discontent we find
The Democratic state of mind,
Where government should intercede,
To make the wealthy class recede.

For never have the rich attained
Their wealth but by the dollars gained
Through long oppression of the poor,
Or feeding on a force majeure.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Irony


The liberal bishop, Roger Lynch,
And Sister Keehan too,
Are now aware the president
Has duped them through and through.

The president of Notre Dame,
And Roger Cardinal M.
Have found the courage to complain
(But not, I’m sure, condemn).

And what an awful irony,
To be so well betrayed,
By that which they had helped to pass,
And him who sought their aid.

More on liberal clergy and religious:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Pelosilluminati


I know a thing or two
About the candidate.
I've promised not to tell –
Unless it will negate
A Democratic loss,
And save the head of state.

My secret knowledge came
To me, as in a dream.
I heard a voice cry out
And then repeat the theme:
“We're better with The One,
For Newt is too extreme.”

’Twas then that I awoke,
Devoid of fear and doubt.
I strode up to the roof,
Proclaiming with a shout,
“I know a thing or two
I cannot talk about.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Budget Bust


“So what’s your beef?” my cellmate asked.
I belched and turned his way.
“I had a mite too much to drink,”
I said, “on Saturday.”

“I stumbled out the barroom door
And fell into the street.
And thus I learned I should not drink
Next to the county seat.”

“For when the judge came out that door,
He stumbled on my leg,
Which made his head go down from up,
And cracked it like an egg.”

“So here I sit, a lesson learned:
I should respect the law.
And when a judge goes down from up
It’s best to not guffaw.”

Monday, January 23, 2012

Tulsa Bill

I have an uncle, Tulsa Bill,
Who never has, and never will,
Embraced my culinary skill
Of coalescing meatless swill.

Why should my favorite uncle feel
The need to circumvent a meal
Prepared with broth and pulp and peel
And heated in a pot of steel?

I think, perhaps, he is not well,
Or is allergic to the smell,
Which makes his starboard nostril swell,
And then provokes a quick farewell.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Championship Weekend

Last week the Bard was beaten hard
About the head and neck;
At one and three his football picks
Were nothing but a wreck.

In such a state, how can he pick
The games that fall this week?
He’ll use his trusted, tried and true
No-look dartboard technique.

About Tom Brady and the Pats:
I hate to see them win.
And though it gives me pain to say,
I think they will again.

The Giant team is on a roll,
And playing at their best;
I think they’ll play a better game
And pass the Niner test.

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Crusader


I’d like to nominate myself
To chair the RPB.
I’d keep in hot pursuit of those
Who charge too high a fee.

I’d like to start the witch-hunt now –
As soon as we convene –
For anyone who makes a cent
By selling gasoline.

I’d use the hammer that I wield
To garnish and to seize
The excess profits that are made
By oil companies.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Keystone Lesson


The problem with Canadians?
I think it sad but true:
They never learned to play the game,
Or see our point of view.

They have an independent streak
Of continental size,
That caused their Keystone pipeline plan
To suffer its demise.

They should have claimed that fewer jobs
Would be by them produced,
And asked for loans to help provide
Their bottom line a boost.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Deposit, No Return


It may be soon that Washington
Could launch a state-owned bank;
For this the Democratic House
Will be the group to thank.

The merit of their worthy plan
Should be self-evident:
The government could run a bank
Without the One Percent.

The governmental quality
Of fiscal expertise,
Should give the public confidence
In matters such as these.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Idea of a Diversity

With apologies to John Henry (Cardinal) Newman, author of The Idea of a University


Diversity, Diversity,
All hallowed is thy name.
We bow in awe before thy throne,
And play the numbers game.

Diversity, Diversity,
We love thee best of all.
We lean on thee to drop the bar
For students in the fall.

Diversity, Diversity,
Your dictates we adore.
We use your name to exclude those
Who have a higher score.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Capture and Release


The pest control professionals
Patrolling in D.C.
Must capture rats with humane means,
Before they set them free.

Which may explain why Washington
Has seen a sharp increase,
In numbers of the animals
They capture and release.

Virginians think the recent law
Will make their state a base,
Where pest control professionals
Will dump the rodent race.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Divisional Playoffs

Last week the Bard was one and one.
Atlanta lost. But Denver won.
And with the Tebow touchdown toss
The Bard forgot the Falcons’ loss.

The 49ers need to play
A perfect game to win today.
They won’t, and therefore Mr. Brees
Will make them pay, and win with ease.

With Brady in the driver’s seat
The Patriots are hard to beat.
But something makes the Bard suspect
His Denver pick will be correct.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Burden of Bard


Whenever I am feeling sad
Or when I’m feeling blue,
I fire up my trusty Dell
And give the web a view.

I search the latest research sites
With hope that I may find
A clue to my relationship
With most of humankind.

Today I’ve found another hint
To help me with my case:
My name has been the barrier
To keeping well apace.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Women are Watching!


Our friends at Planned deParenthood
Rolled out a new campaign,
To keep an eye on politics
From Oregon to Maine.

Called Women Watching Twenty-Twelve
Or something of the sort,
It is the latest club in vogue
For all things pro-abort.

The group plans to intimidate,
And otherwise harass,
The pro-life leaning members of
The legislative class.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Imaginary Mandate


Perhaps you may have missed
When Congress did insist
Our fuel must consist
Of things that don’t exist.

Unusual and cruel
Describes the newest rule,
Which makes refiners tool
A cellulosic fuel.

As Congress understood
That cellulosic would
Improve the common good,
They said refiners should.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Waste Not, Want Not


An ordinary man am I,
With ordinary taste,
And like most ordinary men
I cannot stand for waste.

I use my teabags twice, at least,
And sometimes triple-pour,
And if the price goes up again
I’ll use them even more.

I cannot brook a daily bath
Or daily change of clothes,
Despite the way my wife complains
Or holds her tender nose.

Among the other little things
That irritate my wife:
When roadkill is available
I grab my fork and knife.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Gross Weight


Aside from lack of labeling
On tankards used for ale,
I’ve found another reason why
I strain the bathroom scale.

According to the BMJ,
My highway rate of speed
May be to blame for what I weigh,
And not the way I feed.

The physics and biology
Which underpin the claim,
Are too complex to understand –
But help explain my frame.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Wild Card Weekend

While in the head of Bard there danced
Both sugar plums and flying sheep,
The Saints and Texans both advanced:
It doesn’t pay to go to sleep.

The Bard predicts a Bronco win,
And Tebow to excel.
He sees the ankle slowing Ben,
And Denver playing well.

To get the chance to play Green Bay
On Lambeau’s frozen field,
The Giants and the Falcons play:
To Falcons, Giants yield.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Good and Well

My mother said, “Be good and well,”
Advice that’s well and good.
“For being good should turn out well,
And well itself is good.”

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Jug of Jack


Had I but known the total count
Of calories in beer,
I might resemble more a rope,
And less a massive sphere.

And had the local vintner marked
The bottles that I drank,
I may have slept far fewer nights
Down in the sheriff’s tank.

And had the town’s distillery
Provided further clues,
I might have fallen out of love
With spirits, wine and booze.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Alternative Energy


The headline says a battery
Was found beneath the deep blue sea,
Which may allow the Volt to tame

Said fix’s sole impediment
Is how to get the sediment
From deep beneath Antarctic's shell,
Into the Volt’s electric cell.

Though not a licensed engineer,
To me the best response is clear:
Use GM’s recent expertise
To harvest further subsidies.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Second to None


The president views
The work he’s begun,
And thinks to himself,
“I’m second to none!”

The public replies,
“For what you have done,
We too must agree:
You’re second to None.”

“And shan’t it be sport,
And shan’t it be fun,
To vote out the man
Who’s second to None?”