Monday, October 31, 2011

Challenge Week

Last week was Food Stamp Challenge Week
For liberals on the Hill,
Which offered them a chance to live
On pasta, beans and swill.

The quintessential liberal ploy –
A week of eating less –
To set up years of spending more
On federal largesse.

And choosing sitting congressmen,
And Democrats to boot,
To keep within a budget stake
Was brilliantly astute.

For how could liberal Democrats
Do anything but fail?
They’ve never lived within their means,
No matter what the scale.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Week 8

Last week the Bard was one and two,
As Jets and Lions fared
The opposite of what he thought,
And what he had declared.

If one and two should happen to
The Bard – not once, but twice –
He might begin to pick the games
By casting loaded dice.

New England plays at Pittsburgh’s home,
And ’tween these stellar crews
The Patriots will surely win,
Which means the Steelers lose.

The Cowboys and the Eagles meet
On NBC at night,
The Eagles ought to win at home;
The margin will be slight.

And though I am a Tebow fan,
I think the Detroit D
Is better than the Denver O;
The Lions win by three.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The DemocrAt Plan

We’ll double-down on stimulus,
And double-down on tax;
We’ll hoist the massive spending cuts
Upon our soldier’s backs.

And when the rude Republicans
Refuse to acquiesce,
We’ll claim they are obstructing us,
And blame them for the mess.

And when we’ve done most everything
To sow our disarray,
We’ll watch the ratings agencies
Award a single-A.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Nutmeg Nappies

In case you missed the news, today
Is Diaper Need Awareness Day,
A day we set aside to say:
A change in diapers is OK.

Before you break out in a grin,
With visions of a safety pin
Affixing cotton to the skin
Of those you call your next of kin…

The day does not relate to seats
Of those who Occupy the streets,
And live in tents derived from sheets
To badger bankers and elites…

Nor does the day at all refer
To those called Madam, Ms. or Sir,
Who make the laws that often spur
Our job creators to defer…

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Spread the Wealth!

I’ve got a book of poetry
To offer up for sale.
Some call the work a masterpiece,
In English or in Braille.

It makes a nice gratuity
For tyrants large and small,
And may be used for teaching rhyme
From Chad to Senegal.

It’s called Dreams of My Dear Old Dad,
Who died two years ago;
He taught me how to script a verse,
A sonnet and rondeau.

The sequel builds upon the theme,
Though broader still in scope;
It’s titled for my drinking days:
Audacity of Tope.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Council of Babel

The latest long-winded release
From Council for Justice and Peace,
     Is leftist in tone,
     As Councils are prone,
And reads like a period piece.

The period being the years
That Marx and his sad engineers,
     Developed a plan,
     To save modern man,
And bring down our global frontiers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Pancake Protection Act

To substitute with sugar cane
For maple syrup stock,
A man would need to be insane,
Or suffering from shock.

But leave it to the FDA
To find just such a man,
Whose fraudulence could wash away
The Maple Market Plan.

The fraud involved in such an act
Is serious indeed,
And ought to spur us to enact
A law with blazing speed.

For when a man engages in
Such dupery and crime,
He ought to find the wage of sin
Is lengthy prison time.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Week 7

Two and one is now a trend,
At four weeks in a row;
This week I might go one and two,
Or maybe three and oh.

When Detroit and the Falcons meet
The Lions ought to win.
And of the Falcons playoff hopes?
Now cue the violin.

The Chargers will defeat the Jets,
It cuts me deep to say.
And if the Jets pull off the win?
I’m covered either way.

The Pack will crush the Viking crew
And clear the Metrodome,
As Donovan McNabb reclines
Atop his new pine home.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Biden’s Crimes

There once was a loud politician,
Who suffered the nasty condition
     Of claiming that crime
     Would certainly climb
From GOP-led opposition.

His skills as a loud rhetorician
Without factual inhibition,
     Are certainly clear,
    As it would appear
The VP is no statistician.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Resurrecting Objecting

The Senate is a forum
That functions with a quorum –
And sometimes with decorum.

Some find as inconvenient
Its code of broad agreement
To consummate achievement.

But should a resolution
Ignore the Constitution,
Rand Paul has one solution:

That Southern stubborn mule
Will find an arcane rule,
And use it as a tool.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Fugitives

Say what you want, say what you will,
I knows what I believes:
The TOTUS* and the podium
Ain’t missing ’cause of thieves.

It looks as tho the White House life
Is bad as things can be,
When Barry’s presidential props
Keep tryin to get free.

Remember ’bout six months ago
The Presidential Seal,
And had the ditch ordeal?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Not Nine Naughts

If naughts could only grow on trees,
As many think they ought,
Obama’s bill would pass with ease,  
And to his desk be brought.

But since his bill has nine big naughts
Which stretch the Total line,
The Senate tied it up in knots
With nothing left to sign.

The President is now distraught;
The law that he had planned
Could not be sold, strong-armed or bought,
Or passed by sleight of hand.

Monday, October 17, 2011


“Mommy, can you figure out
What the shouting’s all about?”
Mother said, “The bankers lied,”
     “According to the #Occupied.

“Mommy, can’t the little mob
Go back home and find a job?”
“Dear, it’s hard,” her mom replied,
     “To find a job when #Occupied.”

“Mommy, what’s that awful stink
Coming from the man in pink?”
“Give him room,” intoned her guide,
     “I think he must be #Occupied.”

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week 6

At three and one for week five picks
I’m confident about week six;
I see no reason not to be,
For on the year I’m nine and three.

I don’t like minors, rude designers,
Shriners or the 49ers.
Ergo, Lions get my nod
To defeat the Frisco squad.

The hapless, winless, awful Rams
Must be sacrificial lambs,
When beneath Wisconsin skies
The Pack will see to their demise.

Perhaps this week the Jets will win,
Reeling wretched Dolphins in.
If they lose, at two and four,
I will not pick them anymore.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

On Holiday

The Bard is on a holiday
Throughout the current week.
I promise to return refreshed,
With verse and rhyme – and cheek.

Next post: October 16th

Week 5

Again last week,
As Bard the Greek,
My picks were two and one.
I wasn’t smart;
I chose my heart,
And lost instead of won.

The Lions once again will roar,
And beat the Bears by ten;
The Packers top the Falcons’ score,
As Rodgers wins again.

This week the reeling Jets will face
A worthy, sturdy foe,
And yet again I will embrace
My heart o’er what I know.

I’m sticking with the Jets to beat
The Patriots by three.
And if they go down in defeat?
I’ll blame the referee.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Bedtime Baseball

Today I think I must address
The rotten folks at TBS,
Who gave the network go-ahead
For games to start at time for bed.

When games to not begin 'til eight,
I go into a mental state,
For bards are predisposed to weep
From writer’s block and lack of sleep.

I do not think I can depend
On open eyes at half-past ten,
Which given how they play the game
May get me to the seventh frame.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Unfair Practices

Inspired by: An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog by Oliver Goldsmith

In Washington there is a man
Of whom the liberals say,
That he is never more a cad
Than when they get their way.

A compromising heart has he
That beats to go along,
With every new demand they make,
No matter right or wrong.

They railed upon his little band
For holding up their bill,
For raising every obstacle
To closure on the Hill.

He showed the blackness of his heart,
And failed the acid test
Delineating friend and foe:
The devil acquiesced!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Leading from Behindsight

The night the furnace passed away
A chill was in the air,
The mercury began to plunge
And cold crept in the lair.

Repairmen were not answering
Our frantic pleas for aid,
And as the hands of time swept on
The children seemed afraid.

We huddled in a center room
Conserving body heat,
We added layers to our clothes
And slippers to our feet.

But finally I could take no more:
I set a chair aflame,
And shortly after torched the couch
Without a hint of shame.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Dane in Pain

Jack Sprat can eat no fat,
For Jack was born a Dane
Who can’t afford the fatty tax;
He lives on fruit and grain.

Jack’s wife would give her life
For marbled meat to carve,
But with the hefty fatty tax
The poor old dear might starve.

Jack’s kin are happy when
Their store is filled with lard,
But now the family must survive
On butter squash and chard.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Madam Guillotine

I tip my hat to Madam Barr,
The ethicist and TV star,
Who argues we should reconvene
The use of Madam Guillotine.

But only as a last resort
For use on bankers of the sort
Who will not now repudiate
The excess wealth in their estate.

The White House could adopt the plan,
Proposed today by Ms. Roseanne,
With orders to decapitate
The rich we can’t re-educate.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Week 4

At five and one as Bard the Greek,
I’ve lost my perfect winning streak.
The Jets were hammered on the coast,
And with their loss, my right to boast
About perfection in my picks,
Collapsed and crossed the river Styx.

The Detroit Lions will defeat
The Dallas Cowboys when they meet.
New England ought to do the same
At Oakland in the later game.

At night the Jets play Baltimore,
And I’m afraid to pick the score.
My heart says Jets come out ahead;
My brain believes the Jets are dead.

If I were wise, adept and smart
I’d pick my head and not my heart.
But since I plan to place no bets
I’ll choose my heart, and take the Jets.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Durbin Discount

There was an Illini named Dick
Who played on the bankers a trick:
     Their interchange fees
     He managed to freeze,
And all of us now feel the nick.

To celebrate Durbin’s success,
The banks on their users assess
     A five dollar fee,
     For nothing is free,
Not even Dick Durbin’s largesse.

I now call on Capitol Hill
To update the five-dollar bill:
     Replace Abe with Dick,
     Whose interchange trick
Has done banks and customers ill.