Playing the Field

Article link: Dr. Ashli Brown Says Panda Poop Could Be Key To Producing Biofuels

I really don’t think, when scanning the group

Of topics I’d wish to explore,

I’d come to a stop at panda bear poop

And say, “How I wish to know more!”

But federal grants and research awards

Are difficult things to attain,

And alternate fuel quite often accords

A seat in the public domain.

I’ll keep that in mind, if ever I’m up

For spending a night on the town,

And happen to sit, while having a cup,

Adjacent to Ms. Ashli Brown.

The Common Loon

Article link: Mental illness rise linked to climate change

By sometime Tuesday afternoon

I’ll morph into a common loon.

And if not Tuesday, sometime soon;

Perhaps on Saturday at noon.

For climate change in May and June,

As measured from the large pontoon

That sails about my deep lagoon,

Will obfuscate the harvest moon.

And once the harvest moon is hewn,

The country will not be immune

To weather like the spring monsoon

That swells the rivers of Rangoon.

Punitive Damages

Article link: Adult children’s ‘bad mothering’ lawsuit dismissed

I plan to sue my mother,

And dear old dad’s estate,

For how they made me suffer

From ages two to eight.

My yearly birthday parties,

I’m sure they will confess,

Were singular in purpose:

Emotional distress.

For me, no fancy presents,

No cash or bonds or stocks;

Instead the wrapping paper

Held underwear and socks.

The Optical Illusion

Article link: Obama takes charge at hurricane command center

With Irene moving up the coast

Obama took the lead,

Positioning the cameramen

With bold and striking speed.

The pictures show proficiency

At placing photo crews,

In spots that show his expertise –

And make the evening news.

No leading from behind this time,

With photo ops in play,

And images for use in ads

Around election day.

Vertical Limit

Article link: Obesity Epidemic on the Rise

Another day,

A new report,

Reminding me

That I’m too short.

My height and weight

Do not compute:

I’m far too wide

From head to boot.

If I could stand

But six foot-eight,

My height would match

My current weight.

Union Rights Poster

Article link: New NLRB Rule Requires 'Union Rights' Posters in Workplace

You have the right to join as one

And form a union shop,

To bargain for outrageous pay

For leaning on a mop.

You may as well negotiate

A change in rules too,

Which guarantees the work of one

Will now be done by two.

You may just get a pension plan

We can’t afford to pay,

And go on strike to shorten up

The average working day.

American Acceptionalism

Article link: Biden ‘Not Second-guessing’ China's One-child Policy

Joe Biden is the type of man

Who goes to China and Japan,

And has the nicest things to say

To Asians with the cash to pay

For debt that’s rated double-A.

His sole concern was making sure

That China won’t be premature

In selling off the worth-less notes
On which the US market floats –  

Until Obama has his votes.

And leave it up to Uncle Joe

To demonstrate how far he’d go

To guarantee yuan and fen

Will flow until the current men

Have won the White House once again.

Poor Sister Carol

Article links: Sister Carol Keehan: Opposed Bishop Olmsted on abortion; Defied bishops on Obamacare, but now opposes contraceptive mandate

Poor Sister Carol has been scarred,

And hoisted with her own petard:

She pushed Obama’s health care bill,

And now is forced to buy the pill.

I wonder, though, if her dismay

Is caused by what she’s forced to pay,

Instead of all the moral ill

That she accrues with every pill.

In spite of what she has to lose,

I think it odd she would excuse

The acts of those who choose to kill,

While standing fast against the pill.

The Highway to Hell

Video link: Maxine Waters says Tea party can ‘go to hell’ and ‘I intend to help them get there.’

When I am looking for a path

To lead me straight to hell,

I’ll want to find a seasoned guide

Who knows the place as well.

When sifting through the resumes

To find a perfect guide,

I’ll look for certain timeless traits

In those who have applied.

I’ll focus on the applicants

From whence there are the most

Degenerates and deviants:

The California Coast.

Within that group of candidates

I’ll winnow down the pile,

To those in film or government,

Or union rank and file.

The Essay

Article link: Obama offers more excuses for economic woes

The reason, sir, I missed the date

To hand my homework in,

Relates to weather in Japan –

And not to beer or gin.

Had Europeans not been caught

In economic doom,

My essay would have rivaled those

Of Bacon, Locke and Hume.

And had the Arab Spring not spawned

One hundred Days of Rage,

I surely would have written more

Than just the title page.

Answering Machine Message

Article link: Jury awards family $300K after police kill family dog

Don’t bother leaving me your name,

Or date and time you called;

I’m on the road to Illinois –

Unless my car has stalled.

I’m headed for Chicago now,

And plan to soon reside,

With all the sweet and liberal folks

There on the old South Side.

Since losing both my job and house

I’ve lived in dire straits,

But I’ve been blessed by all the gods

And smiled on by fates.

Alien Adventures

Article link: Scientists say aliens may destroy humanity due to climate change

Oh, I believe in aliens,

Though none I’ve ever seen;

But I believe they fly about

And watch o’er my routine.

I tell my darling little boys

To always eat their peas,

Or aliens will come at night

And give their heads a squeeze.

I give advice to all my peers

To mend their evil ways:

Sell off the carbon-belching cars

That cause the summer haze.

If aliens see ocean tides

And seas begin to rise,

Or global warming ticking up,

They’ll cut us down to size.

The Modern Scientist

Article link: Scientists reverse evolution with snouted chicken

If I could give a quarter horse

A long and pointed horn,

Would he still be a quarter horse

Or be a unicorn?

If I could change a chicken’s beak

Into a gator’s snout,

I wonder if he’d look for seeds,

Or gorge himself on trout?

If I could tweak the DNA

Of humans now and then,

I might create a master race,

And get on CNN.

Charge of the Left Brigade

With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson, author of The Charge of the Light Brigade

Article link: Super-Committee Democrats want more stimulus spending

Half a mil, half a tril,

Half from our lenders,

Into a mountain of debt

Roared the big spenders.

Forward with stimulus!

Ramp up the printing press!

Into a mountain of debt

Roared the big spenders.

Forward the Left Brigade!

Hide from our debt downgrade.

Who in the country knows

We are the offenders?

Spend up the debt sky high.

Spend ’til the debtors cry.

Spend ’til the well is dry.

Into a mountain of debt

Roared the big spenders.

Georgie Willie

Article link: George Will Slights Bachmann’s Fitness – Just as He Slighted Palin's

Georgie Willie, Tiger Lily,

Wouldn’t vote for any filly.

If you wear a blouse or skirt,

Georgie goes on high alert.

Georgie Willie, Button Down,

Sees a girl and wants to frown.

When they win on caucus day,

Georgie wants to run away.

Georgie Willie, Big Bow Tie,

Gives the girls the evil eye.

If one is the nominee,

Georgie Willie won’t agree.

A Democrat or Hypocrite?

Article link: Warren Buffett seeks higher taxes on the rich

A Democrat or hypocrite?

I get the two confused.

In Warren Buffett’s case I’d say

The two of them have fused.

When Buffett wrote his little piece,

He had one goal in mind:

Providing cover for the folks

With whom he’s intertwined.

For he’s connected at the hip

To President Barack;

And he’s now propping Barry up

Just like a penny stock.

The Magic Bus

Article link: Obama Set to Hit the Road for Bus Tour, Martha's Vineyard Vacation

Obama’s got a magic bus –

He’s given up on jets;

It’s loaded to the roof with plans,

With peas and cigarettes.

He’ll roll through parts of Iowa

And Minnesota too;

Perhaps he’ll stop in Illinois,

Or maybe drive on through.

He plans to speak on joblessness,

The poor economy,

And how his term in office has

Been great for you and me.

He’ll brag on how the tide has turned

And how we’re on the mend,

If voters will just stick with him

Until the bitter end.

A Jolt for the Volt

Article link: Obama touts government sponsored ‘green’ jobs

Obama spent 300 million

For 150 new jobs.

   He built factories

   To make batteries

For Volts when we really want Saabs.

The Volts get a government discount

Of 7.5k per sale.

   Just 2k have sold,

   Or so we are told,

Which spells epic government fail.

So now they have upped all the standards

On what mpg is allowed,

   They hope for a jolt

   In sales for the Volt:

The Bolsheviks all would be proud.

On jobs and government:

     Green Jobs at Golden Arches

     ATM: Another TOTUS Moment

     Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac

The Slaughter House

Article link: Appeals court rules against Obama healthcare mandate

Since born on empty promises

And nursed on tricks and lies,

The sacred cow, Obamacare,

Has lurched to its demise.

It stumbles through the narrow chute

That leads it to the floor,

Where wait the executioners

To do their sacred chore.

It wanders through from post to post

Where men in flowing robes,

Now measure and review its girth

And poke it with their probes.

The Abdominous Strain

Article link: National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance seeks protection for heavier and shorter children in Safe Schools Improvement Act

May the bullies that batter the buttery boys

Be brought up on federal writs,

And the gadflies who gape at the gallon-sized gals

Be ground into granular bits.

For us fatties have found a fantastic new foil

To fend off the fiends and our foes:

The Safe Schools Act will supply us with succor

And siphon off all of our woes.

For if children can chide the chubby among us

The government ought to be keen

To suspend all the salaries at schools that slip

From teachers on up to the dean.

Catastrophic Computer Collapse

…for which I blame Al Gore.

I caught a little virus

Inside my CPU,

Which made my ones and zeros

Go horribly askew.

My bits and bytes were broken,

My Windows were all smashed,

And Microsoft Security

Went belly up and crashed.

I hope sometime tomorrow

I’ll have a new vaccine,

That keeps my bytes all biting,

And keeps my bits all clean.

Until I’m up and running

I’ll pout and pace the floor,

And curse computer hackers,

And swear at Albert Gore.

More Al Gore posts:

     The Algore Mash

     The Current TV Triad

The New Nixons

Article links: Rep. Kucinich demands S&P documents; Senate panel to investigate

When Richard Milhous Nixon

Would use the IRS

To audit his opponents,

They killed him in the press.

But Dennis J. Kucinich

Apparently is free,

To make demands for data

From folks at S&P.

The downgrade has endangered

The Democratic way

Of spending with no limits,

And now there’s hell to pay.

Ballad of a Triple-A Feller

Article link: Obama says U.S. will always be a triple-A country

I went to see my banker

To score a little loan.

I offered up the trailer

My daddy used to own.

He shook his head and grunted,

He showed me to the door,

And carried on a little bit

About my credit score.

I had to tell my daughter

She can’t get newer clothes,

And tell my pretty woman

She can’t replace her nose.

I’ve gone from twelve- to six-packs,

And quit my daily dip.

But now the night is callin

For me to let ’er rip.

Chorus:

’Cause I’m a triple-A feller

With a double-A wife,

And a single-A trailer,

And a broken Bowie knife.

And I don’t give a hoot

What the bankers have to say,

’Cause my momma always told me

I’m a golden triple-A.

The RINO

Article link: Washington Post loves McCain’s angry tirade against conservatives

Observe the voter over there,

Naïve and mostly unaware;

Unable to divine the truth,

And fickle at the voting booth.

He listens to the evening news,

Despite its liberal left-wing views,

And claims we ought to be austere,

But his support is insincere.

He first demands a budget fight,

But rails on Congress, left and right,

And then expresses his surprise

When we attempt to compromise.

The fickle and erratic bent

Of voters that I represent,

Reminds me to amend my goals

To what I read in daily polls.

The Democrat

Article link: Reid calls for higher taxes in response to S&P downgrade

Observe the wicked millionaire

Reclining in his leather chair:

He drinks his port and smokes cigars,

And sits on wealth that should be ours.

He has a butler and a maid,

A chauffeur and a lawn brigade

That keeps his mansion like a shrine,

With money that is rightly mine.

He travels in a corporate jet

With members of the wealthy set

Who buy champagne and dry Chablis,

With riches meant for you and me.

The Week in Review

While Barry and Mickey were dancing

To celebrate fifty long years,

The scions on Wall Street were selling,

And heading for safer frontiers.

While Timothy Geithner was brooding,

The markets were having their say,

And Standard & Poor’s was downgrading

Our credit to plus double-A.

While Democrats running the Senate

Were speaking with nothing to say,

Another request for more billions

Was coming from dear Fannie Mae.

Womb to Tomb

Article link: Kathleen Sebelius mandates free abortifacient coverage

Kathleen the Grate revealed her slate

Of guidelines and government rules:

These apron strings require things

From merchants of policy pools.

And wouldn’t you know her list would show

A mandate to offer the pill.

They must purvey, with no co-pay,

Prescriptions that also can kill.

I think on back to Bart Stupak

Who promised we’d not spend a dime

Aborting youth; but here’s the truth:

They knew it would happen in time.

The Book of Ely

Article link: Harry Reid shuts down FAA – over rural Ely airport

Of late, the great debate

Regards the life and fate

Of Ely’s airport gate,

Which serves the Silver State.

The good old FAA

Has programs to defray

The cash one needs to pay

To fly the Ely way.

So daily, six or eight,

Will fly from Vegas straight

To Ely’s airport gate,

At quite a discount rate.

Indeed, you heard that right:

Just six or eight, despite

The four-grand underwrite,

Will daily use the site.

One Flew Over the Caucus

Article link: VP Biden and Rep. Doyle lash out at GOP and lack of spending

A trillion-five in deficits

And ten times that in debt,

Would make an honest congressman

Break out in hives and sweat.

But some have found the antidote

To wipe out that disease:

Just borrow ’til the country’s broke,

Then up the tax and fees.

This miracle of medicine

Was surely on display,

As Doyle from the Quaker state

Got up to have his say.

He lashed out at the GOP

And tossed out in the end:

“That little group of terrorists

Reduced what we can spend!”

The Canine Copter Caper

Article link: Dog airlifted from Angeles National Forest

The couple took their Labrador

Far up the rocky trail,

But on their way back down again

The dog was dragging tail.

The pooch’s paws were plenty sore;

The walk became too hard.

Too bad the dog had not been born

A nimble Saint Bernard.

A helicopter was dispatched

To bring the party home,

So Baxter could resume his walks

Where city dogs should roam.

I wonder if the rescue team,

If given half a chance,

Would take the dog and leave the pair

Back in the vast expanse.

Other animal posts:

     The Carbon Conundrum

     Julie Bass: Anarchy in Oak Park

     People v. Bovine

The Bogeyman on the Balcony

Article link: Obama Blames Bush for economy, again

I see him clearly in the trees.

I see him hanging from the frieze.

He lurks on Truman’s Balcony,

And comes at night to pester me.

I see him in the Briefing Room:

He causes economic doom.

I see him in the Colonnade,

Destroying balance in our trade.

When unemployment starts to rise,

I see my ghoul in disguise.

He causes plunging GDP,

And sends his minions after me.