Sunday, July 31, 2011

Old Bishop Hubbard

With apologies to the unknown authors of Old Mother Hubbard and Hey Diddle Diddle

Saints Blaire and Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To toss the liberals a bone.
When they got there
The cupboard was bare:
The budget had long been blown.

They fear for the poor
And say we should switch
From cutting the dole
To taxing the rich.

They fear foreign aid
Will certainly end;
They’d rather we cut
From those who defend.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Urim and Thummim*

There once was a magic debt ceiling
That Congress debated with feeling;
     I find unappealing
     The wheeling and dealing,
But look on the votes as revealing.

The Democrat ‘No’ was united,
Which may seem to them as farsighted;
     But they’ll be indicted
     For having ignited
The crisis their vote has invited.

Friday, July 29, 2011

The San Francisco Savior

I offer this minute critique
Of she who often used to speak
As leader of the People’s House –
The first to wear a skirt and blouse:

You might cut back a slight degree
On words of gross hyperbole,
Directed toward the other side,
Which runs the House you used to guide.

The earth’s rotation will not stop,
Nor will the dome of heaven drop
If half plus one of votes are cast
To get the Speaker’s debt bill passed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Happle Meal

Though it’s nutritious,
Golden Delicious
Isn’t the dinner for me.
I’d rather incise
On burgers and fries
Than fruit of the apple tree.

The tart Granny Smith
I often eat with
The crust in my mother’s pies,
But don’t even think
Of trying to shrink
My serving of golden fries.

A Braeburn is fine
For horses and swine,
Or frozen in applesauce.
But taters are best
To chew and ingest,
While apples are fun to toss.

Other McDonald’s posts:

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Cellblock by the Bay

I plan to move to Frisco soon
Because I hear I’ll be immune
From all the dirty deeds I’ve done
While looking out for number one.

The folks who run the Golden Gate
Do not believe it fair to rate
A felon’s past when he applies
For work in jobs that might arise.

And furthermore, the good folks say
That felons from the Frisco Bay
Should not be turned away when they
Are looking for a place to stay.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The War on Drugs

I’ll never eat a walnut
That does not bear the seal
Of government approval
For eating with a meal.

Despite its common usage
Throughout the centuries,
One cannot be too careful
When eating fruit from trees.

For every modern business
Attempts to advertise
The features of its products
With shady claims and lies.

One need not look much further
Than Diamond Foods’ attempt
To dodge the regulators
And make themselves exempt.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Budget Do-Si-Do

Get in the mood: Flop Eared Mule by Al Brundage

Do the Budget Do-Si-Do;
Watch the public’s anger grow.
Promenade! First Left, then Right;
We’ve got markets to incite!

Allemande around the room;
Hear the White House cries of doom.
Circle Left to raise the tax.
Circle Right and change the facts.

Now let’s form a Ladies Chain
With McConnell and McCain.
Corner with the Gang of Six,
While they write a budget fix.

Honor Partners, Right Hand Star;
Chances are you won’t get far.
Partners team up with a friend;
Move the goal posts near the end.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Senator No

The Senator is crafty,
The Senator is sly.
He claims he’s for the seniors
Against the hue and cry.

He rails against new taxes,
He rails against a cut.
He rails against new spending
And deficits, somewhat.

But after all his railing
Ben Nelson stands exposed:
The man can’t help opposing
Each cure that is proposed.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Let's Move!

If only I could find the means
To purchase fruit and collard greens,
I’d leave behind my life-long fling
With Taco Bell and Burger King.

But Taco Bell’s around the block
And Burger King has ample stock
Of hamburger and onion rings
And dollar-menu chicken wings.

It’s good to know I’m not alone,
As two point two percent are known
To live at least a mile past
A place to buy a fresh repast.

But now the USD of A
Is working hard to bring my way
More grocery stores with greens and fruit,
Where I can shop with no commute.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Hot Seat

Both Poe and Frost were better men,
Much better men than I,
And better poets too, I’m told,
Which always makes me cry.

They wrote outstanding, perfect verse
In weather wet or dry,
And wouldn’t take an hour off
When temperatures were high.

But I’m a pampered, modern man
With brain and liver rot.
My sister says I’m ugly too,
But Mommy says I’m not.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


With apologies to Dr. Seuss, author of Green Eggs and Ham

What a sham! What a scam!
The bill is like green eggs and ham!
I do not give a tinker’s dam!
I do not like it, Babs-I-Am!

Will you use the spending axe?
Will you vote to raise our tax?

I will not use the spending axe!
I will vote yes to raise your tax!
I do not give a tinker’s dam!
I do not like it, Babs-I-Am!

Would you want a budget freeze?
Would you eat Obama’s peas?

I will not let the budget freeze!
I will consume Obama’s peas!
I will not use the spending axe!
I will vote yes to raise your tax!
I do not give a tinker’s dam!
I do not like it, Babs-I-Am!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Chickenfeed from Harry Reid

There once was a chicken named Harry,
Who thought cutting budgets too scary.
     Instead, Harry chose
     To blame on his foes
The panic he started with Barry.

Since Harry became Henny Penny,
It’s odd that he hasn’t found many
     Small programs to trim
     No matter how slim;
Poor Harry can’t see hardly any.

For Harry to raise the debt ceiling
He’ll need to start wheeling and dealing
     In cuts deep and broad,
     At home and abroad,
Which Harry does not find appealing.

More on Harry Reid:
     Dear Harry,

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Barry Had a Little Plan

Barry had a little plan
That made the liberals glow:
With every dime that Barry spent
The sovereign debt would grow.

It grew so large there came a day
He needed all the fools
Within the House and Senate both
To change the spending rules.

The GOP refused to cave
And asked for spending cuts.
Poor Barry cried and stomped away
When Cantor said, “You’re nuts!”

“Why does he love more taxes so?”
The angry public cried.
“To spread the wealth around, you know,”
The One himself replied.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Free Trade Waylaid

The Midway cops performed a raid
On girls who smuggled lemonade
From home to street, and then displayed
The nerve to sell what they conveyed.

They should have, I’m afraid, delayed
Attempts to sell their lemonade,
At least until they first had paid
For permits to engage in trade.

The cops themselves would not be swayed
From shutting down our young brigade,
For every law must be obeyed
Regardless of one’s age or grade.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Eight of Ten

The President has stated
That eight of ten agree,
A billion in new taxes
Is what they’d like to see.

I take him at face value:
Barack would never lie,
And no one in the press-room
Has raised a hue or cry.

But I have something better,
To offer as a plan:
Let’s make it voluntary;
Just give the most you can.

We’ll add to our 1040
An extra special line,
Allowing each to donate
A number they define.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Julie Bass: Anarchy in Oak Park

Your honor, may it please the court,
I’ve just received a new report
Detailing crimes of Julie Bass,
The woman who despises grass.

I’m sure your honor was informed
About the way Ms. Bass transformed
Her yard into a veggie bed,
Without the city’s go ahead.

But now, your honor, we’ve found more
Examples of her civil war
Against the city and its code;
And this time it’s the mother lode!

We’ve noticed that Ms. Bass surrounds
Herself with two unlicensed hounds,
Which she allows to freely roam
Both in her yard and in her home.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The San Francisco Exegete

At her presser yesterday,
Nancy was the first to say
That the patience of The One
Could by Job not be outdone.

Those who read the Good Book may
Think the lady does portray
Attributes that are unfair
When the two we would compare.

For myself, I disagree,
As in both of them I see
Almost perfect symmetry;
A biblical affinity.

Job was forced into the void,
With his house and kin destroyed
By the devil, bane of man,
And his hellish, evil plan.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Styrofoam Siege

Forget the debt and deficit.
Forget the raging wars.
Forget the unemployment lines.
Forget the bankrupt stores.

We’ve got important work to do
Beneath the people’s dome;
We’ve got to free the capitol
From things like Styrofoam.

Pelosi and our leadership
Had taken Congress green,
And banned convenient, useful things,
Like poly-type styrene.

The plan cost half a million bucks
With minimal effect;
But Nancy said we’d overlook
Results in that respect.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Popes on the Potomac

The experts at NLRB
Believe they trump the Holy See
In choosing who can claim to be
A Catholic University.

The expertise the Board displays
Now gives me hope it will appraise
A wider range of Roman rules,
Beyond the scope of Catholic schools.

Example one: the Holy Writ
Should get a modern retrofit.
Six dozen books, plus one for show,
Should be reduced by half or so.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Veggie Plan

The President’s a clever guy,
An Ivy Leaguer too;
He’s got an economic plan
Just right for me and you.

That plan is called the Veggie Plan,
And starts with eating peas:
You take them from some other man
And eat them as you please.

Be sure you only take enough
To leave him almost poor.
I’d venture half, just off the cuff,
Perhaps a little more.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Why Would the Teachers?

With apologies to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe, authors of Why Can’t the English?

Why would the teachers down in Georgia stoop to cheat?
And when they chose to do so, why not be more discreet?
Since their jobs depended on the scores the kids could meet,
Those modern educators – chose to cheat.

I’m sure the teachers union will defend their right to cheat,
And claim performance standards are impossible to meet.
They’ll have behind them all the press and media elite,
And who would know much better – how to cheat?

The liberal politicians will demand the Congress meet
And allocate more money so the schools can compete;
They’ll want to borrow even more from China and Wall Street:
More funding so the children – learn to cheat.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Bushwhack at Bistro Bis

Susan Feinberg, dinner cop,
On Paul Ryan got the drop:
Caught him with a glass in hand
Costing more than she could stand.

Fearing that the man would flee
To his table then went she,
Raising hell and other such,
Since the wine had cost too much.

Plainly he is rich and cruel,
For attempting to retool
How the public’s cash is spent,
And his own, without consent.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Julie Bass: The Oak Park Outlaw

The scofflaw, Julie Bass,
Rejected trees and grass,
And took to life of crime
With parsley, sage and thyme.

Her crime is avant garde:
The beds in her front yard
Contain illegal greens,
Like peppers, peas and beans.

Thank God the planner saw
Within the public law,
A means to prosecute
Before she planted fruit.

The plaintiff, Kevin R.,
The Oak Park planning czar,
Will see the line is toed
By pointing to the code.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Ben Nelson: Senator Six-Oh

The Senator known as Big Ben
Believes that in ’12 he can win.
   But people now know
   Big Ben as Six-Oh,
And won’t pull his lever again.

The Cornhusker Kickback debate
Embarrassed the Cornhusker state;
   It showed off his style
   Of horrible guile,
And sealed his political fate.

Just now as the debt crisis grows
He’s putting back on his sheep’s clothes,
   And seeks to pretend
   He’s Right once again
And not with the friends that he chose.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

DEA: Democratic Education Association

Article link: NEA endorses Obama – one year early

We saw this week the NEA
Put on another fine display:
   Endorsing for next year
   The local racketeer.

The teachers union jumped the gun
By picking from a field of one,
   Before the GOP
   Could field a nominee.

Which strikes me as the sort of thing
They might find normal in Beijing,
   But seems a bit unfair
   As democratic fare.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Obama’s Passing Grade

Article link: NEA endorses Obama

I heard my teacher, Ms. Dupree,
Spent nine full days as conferee
With all her friends from NEA,

Though nine full days of edu-speak
Would make the average person weak,
The teachers managed to endorse
Barack, the Democrat, of course.

Which brings to mind my early years,
When I fell far behind my peers
Who learned to read and cipher well,
While I was stuck in crayon hell.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Humane, Not Human

Poor William Thomas Jones, the Third,
Kept fourteen cats, a dog, a bird,
A tiny pig and just for sport,
A ten-foot snake – the poison sort.

Bill’s wife, the former Sarah Meede,
Was barren, which his friends agreed,
Explained his penchant to collect
More beasts than one might first expect.

For beast collection was his game
And William loved them all the same,
Except, of course, the dog named Jim,
Who had a special bond with him.

Since Bill and Sarah had no son
They treated Jim, the dog, as one.
Which, as most readers might surmise,
Would lead all three to their demise.

Monday, July 4, 2011

God Bless the USA!

On this, our Independence Day,
We bow our heads and pray
To Him who guides us on our way:
God Bless the USA!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Free the Seal!

I’m mortified, but I admit
I’m brainwashed through and through;
I’ve fallen for the holy writ
Of PETA and their crew.

A stronger man with steady heart
Would never cross the line,
But suffering can tear apart
This shallow heart of mine.

Not once, but twice the famous seal
Attempted to take flight,
And in those moments did reveal
Its agony and plight.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

To Act or Not To Act

The 6th Circuit Court of Appeals
On Wednesday went head over heels,
   Imposing the will
   Of Capitol Hill,
In keeping with liberal ideals.

They said as a matter of fact
Not acting is also an act.
   The logic of which
   Will surely bewitch
The scholars who study their tract.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Alienation of Affection

I think it a sin that powerful men
Have peregrine, wandering eyes.
Their habits are crass, bespeak lower class,
And often precede their demise.

If hell can’t compare to women who bear
The libertine acts of their mates,
Imagine the scene a jilted machine
Can bring to a man with those traits.

Obama will rue his fickleness to
The Autocue reading machine.
His utter conceit in planning to tweet
Will cause him distress unforeseen.

By harnessing Twitter he’ll surely embitter
His faithful companion and mate,
Who helped him arrange the hope and the change
That won him the White House estate.