Thursday, June 30, 2011

President Piqued at Presser

True leadership can be a grind;
It takes a steady hand.
It keeps one from important things
Like travel, sun and sand.

So I prefer a leadership
That keeps itself confined
To leaving work to other men:
I’m leading from behind.

I’ve spent the first half of the year
In serious pursuits:
In Rio and in Ireland,
Examining my roots.

I’ve sought as well to stay engaged
For weeks and weeks on end,
In lowering my handicap;
I like its latest trend.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dining For Dollars

I think five dollars is well spent
For dinner with the President;
By adding Biden to the fun
The value drops, at best, to one.

Michelle on hand, and serving tea,
Will raise my gift, perhaps, to three;
But adding Debbie Wasserman
Will drop it back again to one.

If Harry Reid should serve a snack,
I’ll ask for two more quarters back;
And if Pelosi has a seat,
I’ll find a diner down the street.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Your Politicians Are Lower Than The Slope Of My Forehead

I've got a problem with my head:
My forehead has low-slope.
Some say it makes me look inbred.
I think it makes me tope.

My knuckles are all scratched and bruised
From dragging on the ground.
By this my wart-hog is amused,
But not my trusty hound.

I shuffle when I walk around;
I stumble and I mope.
I often sleep right on the ground
And rarely wash with soap.

I love to feast on what I kill;
I roast it just a touch.
Of gathering I've had my fill;
I like that not so much.

Monday, June 27, 2011

High Noon at the Oasis

The lions lie down with the lambs
And turkeys relax with the rams,
But nearby, the watering hole
Is spiraling out of control.

The waters continue to rise,
Portending the certain demise
Of fortunes and families who share
The haven, from hippo to hare. 

The ass and the elephant clans
Are warring with contrary plans,
To curb the momentous ascent
Of waters the deluge has sent.

The elephants’ plan would reduce
The water that reaches the sluice,
And using the past as their guide,
They promise the flow will subside.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Clarity on Prosperity

The President says, with sincerity:
“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”
With our debt as deep as the deep blue sea,
I’d rather he focus on solvency.

The President says, with dexterity:
“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”
While Harry and Nancy are both impressed,
Employment and housing remain depressed.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Friedman Is Full…

Article link: Thomas Friedman declares ‘The Earth Is Full’

T. Friedman, the scribe,
Will often inscribe
His worries about the earth:
The loss of the trees,
The coming deep freeze –
And couples planning a birth.

It seems we consume
Too much to presume
Our resources can withstand,
Another new soul
That might take a toll
On oceans, on air or land.

We're all on the hook
It says in a book
That Thomas recently read.
We better all change
Or earth will arrange
Tornadoes to strike us dead.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Expect The Unexpected

With unemployment rising
Let’s see the Press’ View,
     And hear Barack apprising
     Michelle of what he'll do.

Good Lord! That’s Unexpected.
Oh, My! How Unforeseen.
     I won’t get re-elected
     With data this obscene.

It’s Unanticipated.
It comes Out of the Blue.
     We’ve been too dissipated,
     Now ruin will ensue!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Algore Mash

With apologies to Bobby Pickett and Leonard L. Capizzi, writers of Monster Mash

I was surfing on the web late last night
When my eyes beheld an awful sight:
Algore had posted another address
Warning the climate was under duress.

     He warns of change
          He warns of Climate Change
     It causes mange
          That will hurt us long-range
     It makes us strange
          And it’s here at close range
     He warns of change
          He warns of Climate Change

Algore cried out for Science and Reason,
Charging us all with evil and treason.
His missive was long and full of details,
But quickly glossed over those darned e-mails.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Lexicologist in Chief

For Democratic presidents
Afflicted with precision,
The definition of a word
Can be a grave decision.

It stands to reason that elites
Who take a small excursion,
Would want to find replacement words,
And with them a diversion.

But stupid is as stupid does
And ‘is’ is self-defining;
No matter how Bill Clinton spins,
The word needs no refining.

A decade later, once again
We're back to definitions,
This time primarily with guns,
With bombs and live munitions.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Harry Learns to Reid

Young Harold Andrew Murgatroid
Kept both his parents well annoyed:
His mother drank and fought despair;
His father raged and lost his hair.

Responding to his growing cheek
His parents used the old technique
Of sending him to boarding school,
In hopes it could their boy retool.

The man in charge, a proper type,
Was not afraid to leave a stripe
Across the bottoms of the boys
Who sassed their elders, or made noise.

The teachers often did enrich
Young Harold’s studies with a switch,
Which led, before the year adjourned,
To evidence the boy had turned.

Monday, June 20, 2011

NBC: Nothing But Cretins

The Pledge is the Peacock now shorting,
Which gentlemen wouldn’t call sporting.
   The part they ignored
   Acknowledged the Lord;
They do much the same when reporting.

Retraction: Father’s Day

The verse I posted yesterday
Accused my kids of foul play.
Of course, I meant it all in fun;
I love my children, every one.

Today I set the record straight:
Those kids of mine are really great!
The truth, I’m not ashamed to say:
For me, each day is Father’s Day.

And further, I do now retract
The implication, dressed as fact,
That any of my kids would try
To gift their father with a tie.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day!

My kids are awful, rude and mean:
The meanest kids I’ve ever seen.
They’ve threatened me with foul play,
Should I write verse on Father’s Day.

They promised, should I not comply,
To gift to me another tie
Of purple, red and neon green.
I’ll say again: those kids are mean!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

War Powers: Article I, Section 8

The Congress, per our Constitution,
Must vote on a war resolution.
   Though his lawyers concur
   That a vote should occur,
The One doesn’t like that solution.

The President plans to forego it;
He knows that the House won’t bestow it.
   And Harry and Nancy
   Believe in the fancy:
The war will be done ’fore you know it.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Features of the Perfect Chair

Ms. Deb’s the Democratic Chair
And what a Chair is she.
She’s got the features one would want
If one a chair could be.

A decent chair sits on a Base
That’s wide and resolute.
In politics a bigger tent
Is sought by the astute.

But class warfare brings down the house,
No matter how unfair.
You’ll be the perfect Chair.

Gas Lifts to raise a body up
Are needed in a chair.
In politics a civil tongue
Would raise the spoken fare.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

ATM: Another TOTUS Moment

I thought I could Barack condemn,
And blame my loss of work on him.
   But as he eloquently said
   The fault that jobs, as such, are dead
Lies with the evil ATM.

Which made me ponder and appraise
How this new automation craze
   Has left us jobless and alone
   Without a car, garage or home,
In poverty and deep malaise.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Tortoise and the Hair

When searching for a head of state,
The trait of your best candidate
Is he who matches personnel
With jobs they can perform quite well.

One such appointment, made in haste,
Concerns the group that seeks out waste
In government, to then assess
Efficient ways to curb excess.

The President, it seems to me,
By picking Joe, his own VP,
Produced a choice that’s deeply flawed
For ending waste, abuse and fraud.

Now I’m a Joe supporter too!
He’s been spot-on since his debut:
As sheriff for the stimulus,
I’d grade him as a strong D-plus.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

People v. Bovine

Testimony of police:

When the cow jumped o’er the gate,
An offense in Granite State,
We arrived at half past eight,
With a plan to end the fete.

Though we had no armor plate,
We attempted to create
The conditions to dictate
Her return to the estate.

Due to massive body weight,
We decided to deflate
The excited bovine mate
With a Taser to her pate.

Monday, June 13, 2011

PISD: Post-Image Stress Disorder

The Volunteer State
Is busy of late
On issues like internet crime;
If pictures you post
Can be diagnosed
As frightful, you’ll have to do time.

And further to said,
If found in your thread:
An image that crosses the line,
And causes distress
To those who assess
Its features, you’ll owe a big fine.

I’m sure that the court
Will quickly resort
To striking the law from the books.
But in the meantime
I’ll seek out the crime
Of posters, and capture those crooks.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Protecting the Herd

In private you may be a cur,
A slave to passion or liqueur,
But weasels acting weasely
Should not be seen so publicly.

You’ll never raise a question mark
Attacking Ryan like a shark,
Or tearing Boehner bit from bit;
But if you tweet, you are a twit.

When playing possum with the truth,
It is considered most uncouth
To act as counsel to the crown,
And then be caught by zipper down.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Hook for the Hookah in Hartford (Act IV, Scene I)

With apologies to William Shakespeare, author of Macbeth

Article link via Planet Moron: Put That In Your Hookah And Smoke It

Round about the statehouse go;
In the legislation throw
Language that the government
Can invoke to kill the scent
Of the Hookah devotee,
First by fiat, then decree.

Hubble-bubble, toil and trouble,
Turn that business into rubble.

Let them smoke some Mary Jane;
Or a bowl of dried romaine;
But that cherry-flavored leaf
Gives the public false belief
That no harm will come to them,
So its use we must condemn.

Hubble-bubble, toil and trouble,
Turn that business into rubble.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Carbon Conundrum

This much I can say of the camel,
That even-toed ungulate mammal:
   While drinking he slurps,
   Then belches and burps,
With breath bad as burning enamel.

Few things in this world are as scary
As one overfed dromedary,
   Whose methane release,
   Doth carbon increase,
Which makes the Green Party contrary.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Betwixt Phonetics

Article link: The end of a career

I must admit my chief defect
Is all the time that I direct
To surfing on the internet;
I aim to quit, but not just yet.

The education I’ve received
Convinces me we’ve been deceived
By government and all the suits
That are together in cahoots.

The most important lesson gleaned
From all the sites that I have screened,
Convinces me their grand designs
Are visible, between the lines.

Betwixt Phonetics is the name
That I have coined (and aim to claim
As trademark with a copyright,
And plan to sell from site to site).

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Mad Dogs and Media

I'm not much enthralled
With them that are called
They claim as mainstream
The stories they deem
Right for them.

But right in this case
Means things they embrace
From the left.
Their Rathers and Chungs
Display lizard tongues,
Which are cleft.

For those on the right
The stories they write,
(With delight),
Are aimed with great care
To quickly ensnare
Or indict.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Blotter

Anarchist Arborist Apprehended

There once was a man, name of Mike,
Who cleared out some trees and the like,
   For which he was fined
   Because he declined
To leave when they said, "Take a hike!"

Naughty Numismatist Nailed

There once was a man, name of Jason,
Who went to a clinic called Basin,
   And paid them in copper
   Which didn't seem proper:
The court will now chasten that Jason.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Dividing the Spoils

Our friends on the left
Are happy with theft,
So long as The Rich are the marks.
In Gallup’s new poll
They say, on the whole,
They favor the blueprint of Marx.

By taxes and fees
The left puts a squeeze
On wealth that they think they are due,
Which then they allow
To further endow
The unions like SEIU.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Doctor Death, RIP

The man once known as Dr. Death,
And sometimes known as Doc,
On Friday drew his final breath
While listening to Bach.

No crowds were with him when he passed,
No gathering or throng,
For all the friends that Jack amassed
As friends did not last long.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Green Jobs at Golden Arches

At fifty-seven tries
I got a real surprise:
A job that oft applies
More cellulite to thighs.

Most mornings when I rise,
With sleep still in my eyes,
I head to work that ties
My life to apple pies.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Demigods and Democrats

In recent days the president
Has every reason to lament:
The Senate voted to a man
To kill his latest budget plan.
The House refused to be outdone,
And voted, more than three to one,
To kill his plan to hike the debt,
Before their calls for cuts were met.

The White House team, now on alert,
Decided they could best avert
The looming crisis on the street
By getting all their foes to meet
The president, who would express
The need to spend well in excess
Of every bit of revenue
The government is likely due.

Republicans were quite amused,
For recently they were abused
By both The One they would now meet,
And all the minions at his feet.
They acquiesced to entertain
The President, and his campaign,
Because it offered them the chance
To interrupt his song and dance.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

First Chair Frivolity

I thought Ms. Schultz was made of brass.
I listened, but I found, alas!
That she, who hails from Florida,
Sounds much more like an orchestra.

She harps upon the GOP
And strings along the elderly.
Her Medi-Scaring tactics steal
Their hammers from the glockenspiel.

With triangles of tales she chimes
In on Ryan's latest crimes,
In hopes to drum support, and snare
Crescendos for Obamacare.