President Piqued at Presser

Article link: President criticizes Congress; Republicans respond

True leadership can be a grind;

It takes a steady hand.

It keeps one from important things

Like travel, sun and sand.

So I prefer a leadership

That keeps itself confined

To leaving work to other men:

I’m leading from behind.

I’ve spent the first half of the year

In serious pursuits:

In Rio and in Ireland,

Examining my roots.

I’ve sought as well to stay engaged

For weeks and weeks on end,

In lowering my handicap;

I like its latest trend.

Dining For Dollars

Article link: Obama raffles dinner for two; then adds Biden

I think five dollars is well spent

For dinner with the President;

By adding Biden to the fun

The value drops, at best, to one.

Michelle on hand, and serving tea,

Will raise my gift, perhaps, to three;

But adding Debbie Wasserman

Will drop it back again to one.

If Harry Reid should serve a snack,

I’ll ask for two more quarters back;

And if Pelosi has a seat,

I’ll find a diner down the street.

Your Politicians Are Lower Than The Slope Of My Forehead

Article link: NYT Columnist: 'Middle Places' Home of 'Low-Sloping Foreheads'

I've got a problem with my head:

My forehead has low-slope.

Some say it makes me look inbred.

I think it makes me tope.

My knuckles are all scratched and bruised

From dragging on the ground.

By this my wart-hog is amused,

But not my trusty hound.

I shuffle when I walk around;

I stumble and I mope.

I often sleep right on the ground

And rarely wash with soap.

I love to feast on what I kill;

I roast it just a touch.

Of gathering I've had my fill;

I like that not so much.

High Noon at the Oasis

Article link: Democrats demand new stimulus spending in debt deal

The lions lie down with the lambs

And turkeys relax with the rams,

But nearby, the watering hole

Is spiraling out of control.

The waters continue to rise,

Portending the certain demise

Of fortunes and families who share

The haven, from hippo to hare. 

The ass and the elephant clans

Are warring with contrary plans,

To curb the momentous ascent

Of waters the deluge has sent.

The elephants’ plan would reduce

The water that reaches the sluice,

And using the past as their guide,

They promise the flow will subside.

Clarity on Prosperity

Article link: Obama pushes ‘investments’

The President says, with sincerity:

“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”

With our debt as deep as the deep blue sea,

I’d rather he focus on solvency.

The President says, with dexterity:

“We can’t cut our way to prosperity.”

While Harry and Nancy are both impressed,

Employment and housing remain depressed.

Friedman Is Full…

Article link: Thomas Friedman declares ‘The Earth Is Full’

T. Friedman, the scribe,

Will often inscribe

His worries about the earth:

The loss of the trees,

The coming deep freeze –

And couples planning a birth.

It seems we consume

Too much to presume

Our resources can withstand,

Another new soul

That might take a toll

On oceans, on air or land.

We're all on the hook

It says in a book

That Thomas recently read.

We better all change

Or earth will arrange

Tornadoes to strike us dead.

Expect The Unexpected

With unemployment rising

Let’s see the Press’ View,

     And hear Barack apprising

     Michelle of what he'll do.

U.S. Jobless Claims Rise More Than Expected

Good Lord! That’s Unexpected.

Oh, My! How Unforeseen.

     I won’t get re-elected

     With data this obscene.

Unexpectedly Sluggish Growth In U.S. Economy

It’s Unanticipated.

It comes Out of the Blue.

     We’ve been too dissipated,

     Now ruin will ensue!

The Algore Mash

With apologies to Bobby Pickett and Leonard L. Capizzi, writers of Monster Mash

Article link: Algore publishes beer-reviewed article in Rolling Stone

I was surfing on the web late last night

When my eyes beheld an awful sight:

Algore had posted another address

Warning the climate was under duress.

Refrain

     He warns of change

          He warns of Climate Change

     It causes mange

          That will hurt us long-range

     It makes us strange

          And it’s here at close range

     He warns of change

          He warns of Climate Change

Algore cried out for Science and Reason,

Charging us all with evil and treason.

His missive was long and full of details,

But quickly glossed over those darned e-mails.

Refrain

The Lexicologist in Chief

Article link: Obama says Libyan campaign should not be considered “hostilities.”

For Democratic presidents

Afflicted with precision,

The definition of a word

Can be a grave decision.

It stands to reason that elites

Who take a small excursion,

Would want to find replacement words,

And with them a diversion.

But stupid is as stupid does

And ‘is’ is self-defining;

No matter how Bill Clinton spins,

The word needs no refining.

A decade later, once again

We're back to definitions,

This time primarily with guns,

With bombs and live munitions.

Harry Learns to Reid

Archive link: Harry Reid: 'Foolish' for Democrats to offer budget plan

Young Harold Andrew Murgatroid

Kept both his parents well annoyed:

His mother drank and fought despair;

His father raged and lost his hair.

Responding to his growing cheek

His parents used the old technique

Of sending him to boarding school,

In hopes it could their boy retool.

The man in charge, a proper type,

Was not afraid to leave a stripe

Across the bottoms of the boys

Who sassed their elders, or made noise.

The teachers often did enrich

Young Harold’s studies with a switch,

Which led, before the year adjourned,

To evidence the boy had turned.

NBC: Nothing But Cretins

Article link: NBC cuts ‘Under God’ from Pledge of Allegiance during US Open broadcast

The Pledge is the Peacock now shorting,

Which gentlemen wouldn’t call sporting.

   The part they ignored

   Acknowledged the Lord;

They do much the same when reporting.

Retraction: Father’s Day

The verse I posted yesterday

Accused my kids of foul play.

Of course, I meant it all in fun;

I love my children, every one.

Today I set the record straight:

Those kids of mine are really great!

The truth, I’m not ashamed to say:

For me, each day is Father’s Day.

And further, I do now retract

The implication, dressed as fact,

That any of my kids would try

To gift their father with a tie.

Happy Father's Day!

My kids are awful, rude and mean:

The meanest kids I’ve ever seen.

They’ve threatened me with foul play,

Should I write verse on Father’s Day.

They promised, should I not comply,

To gift to me another tie

Of purple, red and neon green.

I’ll say again: those kids are mean!

War Powers: Article I, Section 8

Article links: Nancy Pelosi says Obama has authority; Harry Reid concurs

The Congress, per our Constitution,

Must vote on a war resolution.

   Though his lawyers concur

   That a vote should occur,

The One doesn’t like that solution.

The President plans to forego it;

He knows that the House won’t bestow it.

   And Harry and Nancy

   Believe in the fancy:

The war will be done ’fore you know it.

Features of the Perfect Chair

Ms. Deb’s the Democratic Chair

And what a Chair is she.

She’s got the features one would want

If one a chair could be.

A decent chair sits on a Base

That’s wide and resolute.

In politics a bigger tent

Is sought by the astute.

But class warfare brings down the house,

No matter how unfair.

So claim your foes are slaves to wealth:

You’ll be the perfect Chair.

Gas Lifts to raise a body up

Are needed in a chair.

In politics a civil tongue

Would raise the spoken fare.

ATM: Another TOTUS Moment

Article link: Obama Blames ATMs for High Unemployment

I thought I could Barack condemn,

And blame my loss of work on him.

   But as he eloquently said

   The fault that jobs, as such, are dead

Lies with the evil ATM.

Which made me ponder and appraise

How this new automation craze

   Has left us jobless and alone

   Without a car, garage or home,

In poverty and deep malaise.

The Tortoise and the Hair

Article link: Desert tortoise website comes under fire from 'Sheriff' Biden

When searching for a head of state,

The trait of your best candidate

Is he who matches personnel

With jobs they can perform quite well.

One such appointment, made in haste,

Concerns the group that seeks out waste

In government, to then assess

Efficient ways to curb excess.

The President, it seems to me,

By picking Joe, his own VP,

Produced a choice that’s deeply flawed

For ending waste, abuse and fraud.

Now I’m a Joe supporter too!

He’s been spot-on since his debut:

As sheriff for the stimulus,

I’d grade him as a strong D-plus.

People v. Bovine

Article link: Pelham, NH police Taser wandering cow

Testimony of police:

When the cow jumped o’er the gate,

An offense in Granite State,

We arrived at half past eight,

With a plan to end the fete.

Though we had no armor plate,

We attempted to create

The conditions to dictate

Her return to the estate.

Due to massive body weight,

We decided to deflate

The excited bovine mate

With a Taser to her pate.

PISD: Post-Image Stress Disorder

Article link: Tennessee law bans internet images that may cause emotional distress

The Volunteer State

Is busy of late

On issues like internet crime;

If pictures you post

Can be diagnosed

As frightful, you’ll have to do time.

And further to said,

If found in your thread:

An image that crosses the line,

And causes distress

To those who assess

Its features, you’ll owe a big fine.

I’m sure that the court

Will quickly resort

To striking the law from the books.

But in the meantime

I’ll seek out the crime

Of posters, and capture those crooks.

Protecting the Herd

Article link: Democratic leadership finally seeks Weiner’s resignation

In private you may be a cur,

A slave to passion or liqueur,

But weasels acting weasely

Should not be seen so publicly.

You’ll never raise a question mark

Attacking Ryan like a shark,

Or tearing Boehner bit from bit;

But if you tweet, you are a twit.

When playing possum with the truth,

It is considered most uncouth

To act as counsel to the crown,

And then be caught by zipper down.

A Hook for the Hookah in Hartford (Act IV, Scene I)

With apologies to William Shakespeare, author of Macbeth

Article link via Planet Moron: Put That In Your Hookah And Smoke It

Round about the statehouse go;

In the legislation throw

Language that the government

Can invoke to kill the scent

Of the Hookah devotee,

First by fiat, then decree.

Hubble-bubble, toil and trouble,

Turn that business into rubble.

Let them smoke some Mary Jane;

Or a bowl of dried romaine;

But that cherry-flavored leaf

Gives the public false belief

That no harm will come to them,

So its use we must condemn.

Hubble-bubble, toil and trouble,

Turn that business into rubble.

Carbon Conundrum

Article link: Greenhouse Gas Pains: Shoot the Farting Camels?

This much I can say of the camel,

That even-toed ungulate mammal:

   While drinking he slurps,

   Then belches and burps,

With breath bad as burning enamel.

Few things in this world are as scary

As one overfed dromedary,

   Whose methane release,

   Doth carbon increase,

Which makes the Green Party contrary.

Betwixt Phonetics

Article link: The end of a career

I must admit my chief defect

Is all the time that I direct

To surfing on the internet;

I aim to quit, but not just yet.

The education I’ve received

Convinces me we’ve been deceived

By government and all the suits

That are together in cahoots.

The most important lesson gleaned

From all the sites that I have screened,

Convinces me their grand designs

Are visible, between the lines.

Betwixt Phonetics is the name

That I have coined (and aim to claim

As trademark with a copyright,

And plan to sell from site to site).

Mad Dogs and Media

I'm not much enthralled

With them that are called

MSM.

They claim as mainstream

The stories they deem

Right for them.

But right in this case

Means things they embrace

From the left.

Their Rathers and Chungs

Display lizard tongues,

Which are cleft.

For those on the right

The stories they write,

(With delight),

Are aimed with great care

To quickly ensnare

Or indict.

The Blotter

Anarchist Arborist Apprehended

Article link: Man fined for assisting in tornado cleanup

There once was a man, name of Mike,

Who cleared out some trees and the like,

   For which he was fined

   Because he declined

To leave when they said, "Take a hike!"

Naughty Numismatist Nailed

Article link: Man arrested for paying bill in pennies

There once was a man, name of Jason,

Who went to a clinic called Basin,

   And paid them in copper

   Which didn't seem proper:

The court will now chasten that Jason.

Dividing the Spoils

Article link: Gallup finds more than 70% of Democrats favor redistribution of wealth

Our friends on the left

Are happy with theft,

So long as The Rich are the marks.

In Gallup’s new poll

They say, on the whole,

They favor the blueprint of Marx.

By taxes and fees

The left puts a squeeze

On wealth that they think they are due,

Which then they allow

To further endow

The unions like SEIU.

Doctor Death, RIP

Article link: Dr. Jack Kevorkian dies of pulmonary thrombosis

The man once known as Dr. Death,

And sometimes known as Doc,

On Friday drew his final breath

While listening to Bach.

No crowds were with him when he passed,

No gathering or throng,

For all the friends that Jack amassed

As friends did not last long.

Green Jobs at Golden Arches

Article link: Half of jobs created last month were at McDonalds

At fifty-seven tries

I got a real surprise:

A job that oft applies

More cellulite to thighs.

Most mornings when I rise,

With sleep still in my eyes,

I head to work that ties

My life to apple pies.

Demigods and Democrats

Article link: A frosty meeting between Obama and House Republicans

In recent days the president

Has every reason to lament:

The Senate voted to a man

To kill his latest budget plan.

The House refused to be outdone,

And voted, more than three to one,

To kill his plan to hike the debt,

Before their calls for cuts were met.

The White House team, now on alert,

Decided they could best avert

The looming crisis on the street

By getting all their foes to meet

The president, who would express

The need to spend well in excess

Of every bit of revenue

The government is likely due.

Republicans were quite amused,

For recently they were abused

By both The One they would now meet,

And all the minions at his feet.

They acquiesced to entertain

The President, and his campaign,

Because it offered them the chance

To interrupt his song and dance.

First Chair Frivolity

Article link: More false claims from DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz about Ryan’s plan

I thought Ms. Schultz was made of brass.

I listened, but I found, alas!

That she, who hails from Florida,

Sounds much more like an orchestra.

She harps upon the GOP

And strings along the elderly.

Her Medi-Scaring tactics steal

Their hammers from the glockenspiel.

With triangles of tales she chimes

In on Ryan's latest crimes,

In hopes to drum support, and snare

Crescendos for Obamacare.