Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Thought I Saw a President

With apologies to Lewis Carroll, author of The Mad Gardener’s Song

I thought I saw a President
   Step off the waiting bus,
And climb up to the podium
   To give a speech for us.
“It’s not,” he said, “the President.
   “It’s Teleprompter Plus.”

I thought I saw a compromise
   That had a great appeal,
Which kept the White House open
   And stopped the czar ordeal.
“A signing statement will,” he said,
   “Subvert the latest deal.”

I thought I saw an olive branch,
   With compromise in reach:
Paul Ryan and the GOP
   Invited to his speech.
“He likes,” he said, “to vilify
   “When he gets up to preach.”

Monday, May 30, 2011

Prayer for Our Fallen Warriors

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon them.
May their souls, and the souls of all the departed,
Through the Mercy of God, Rest in Peace. Amen.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

My Intellectual Stammer

I suffer from a stammer too;
I’m not sure what it means.
It often rears its ugly head
Right after eating beans.

The problem then becomes acute
When I am drinking beers,
But if I drink a shot or two
The stammer disappears.

I never thought it had to do
With brains or intellect,
But if Obama has it too
There’s nothing to correct!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Wasserman Etymology

Article links: Wasserman Schultz attacks GOP on Medicare, women and cars.

Real etymology is fun,
Take for example: wasserman.

When traced back to its German root
Most linguists say, without dispute,
The word means monster of the sea;
A cousin of the manatee.

(The wasser genus is a clan
That’s partly wasser, partly man.)

When wassers want a bite to eat
They cull a ship from ’midst the fleet,
And breathing fire with a roar,
Displace it to the ocean floor.

(Some child wassers, having throats
Much smaller, largely stick to boats.)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Big O's Budget Bath

O is for zero, for zilch and for none.
I’m speaking, of course, of votes that he won.

B is for budgets the president floats.
Let me repeat it: he got zero votes.

A is for aught, the brother to naught;
Even the Democrats couldn’t be bought.

M is for mud, like mud on your face;
A fitting display for O’s trophy case.

A is for ASAP, as soon as we can –
Grant him an early retirement plan.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Ex

Article link: Jimmy Carter claims he’s ‘superior’ to other ex-presidents

I’ve got a great aunt, named Liberty,
Who kicked her man out the door.
He ruined her life, we all agree,
Leaving her wretched and poor.

The final decree, long stored away
For upwards of thirty years,
Regrettably won’t, to her dismay,
Ensure that he disappears.

He keeps popping up, first here, then there,
Encouraging all her foes;
Annoying her friends beyond repair,
While trying to interpose.

He chats with Fidel, his brother Raul,
And meets with Kim Jong-Il.
He wanders the world, a peacenik mule,
Calling his visits ‘good will.’

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
Were sitting in D.C.,
Planning their vacation, to the Bering Sea.

Fannie Mae said “Freddie Mac,
I want to take a train.”
Freddie said, “Now, Fannie, I think we must abstain.”

“We haven’t got the money;
We’re short a bit on loot.”
Fannie cried a little. Freddie followed suit.

So Fannie called on Congress,
To seek a long-term loan.
Freddie called Joe Biden, the jester near the throne.

Their coffers were replenished.
Their bank account reset;
Borrowed from their trust fund: our social safety net.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Art of Fundraising

It pays to be Obama’s friend,
Quite handsomely indeed;
Just pay the piper for his song:
A waiver will proceed.

If luxury defines your plan
But you’ve a union seal,
You’ll get a signature and be
Exempt from his New Deal.

If you can see the Golden Gate
Relax, you’ll feel no pain.
Kathleen the Grate will sign your form;
You’re on the gravy train.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Three Former Candidates

Romney’s Rubicon

Article link: Romney defends Romneycare
You’ve got to feel sorry for Mitt
Who can’t find his way to admit
     His plan gets a nod
     From those on Cape Cod,
But Red States don’t like it one bit.

Nattering Newt

Article links: Gingrich slams Ryan plan; appears in climate-change PSA with Pelosi
Newt nullifies nomination:
Rebuking Ryan’s roadmap;
Pushing Pelosi’s policies,
Concerning climate claptrap.

Republicans respond rudely,
Suggesting Speaker stop;
(Not nicely) noting Newt’s no Knute;
Now nagging Newt nonstop.

The Donald: Part Deux

Article link: Trump Bows Out
Lately The Donald withdrew
From the Republican crew
     Who run for the post
     That matters the most,
Leaving less egos by two.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Federal Bomb Control

My friends may find me timid.
My foes might call me weak.
While others talk I listen,
And rarely seek to speak.
I look for bits of data
And patterns to emerge;
     Attempting then, to divine
     Where the patterns intertwine
And where the bits converge.

I’ve found that with assistance
From federal concerns,
Perhaps you’ll want to study
Their input and returns.
For when the federales
Arrive upon the scene,
     Look for things to go askew
     From the local point of view
With outcomes unforeseen.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Current TV Triad

Pretend you’ve owned a cable shop
For right at six long years.
Your ratings meter never moves;
You’ve money in arrears.
Just get a few celebrities
To catch the public’s eye –
So many now are out of work,
They’ll certainly comply.

Rely first on the intellect
And brains of brother Gore,
Combine with rugged, handsome looks
That come from Michael Moore,
Add in the personality
That Olbermann displays:
The Current TV program brand
Will surely last for days!

Though some predict the old VP
Will suck up all the air,
And munchy-hungry Michael Moore
Will down the dinner fare,
Which will enrage Keith Olbermann
And cause him to combust,
I’m sure they’ll never violate
The sacred public trust.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Jihad Don’t Watch List

As of today, from this point on,
Perhaps we can agree upon
An armistice that I desire
That will, from all of us, require
No fun be made at Joe’s expense
For any old or new offense.

For when a man has been brought low
By death or scandal or a blow
To his position or his rank
One should refrain from joke or prank
Or other humor of the sort
To which we bloggers oft resort.

Joe Biden now lives in disgrace,
Discredit and the loss of face
By being in the group of one
Whose death the terrorists would shun.
(In case the latest news you’ve missed:
Joe’s on the Jihad Don’t Watch List!)

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Five Percent Solution

Article link: Obama claims border fence complete; claims Republicans want a moat

To understand the budget
From Obama’s point of view,
Just put a pen to paper
And do a quick review.

His border fence mathematics
Provides the clearest clue
Of Democrat accounting,
Where numbers are askew.

Start by calculating
A fence from here to there,
Of seven hundred miles
To set our border square.

Let’s say we’ve built for miles –
A touch o’er thirty-six –
A double chain-link roadblock
Through rocks and stones and sticks.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Pronoun President

With apologies to Eugene Field, author of Wynken, Blynken, and Nod

Oh Me, Myself and I one night
     Came out to lecture you –
I stood before the TV lights
     To give my point of view.
 “What are you saying and what do you want?”
     The media asked of me;
“I have come to flaunt like a debutante,
     For Osama is dead, you see;
     And I gave the order, just me!”
               Said Me,
               And I.

Then Me, Myself and I went north
     To my New York event.
I preened awhile, then sallied forth,
     My image to cement.
“Where are you going and whatever for?”
     The media asked of me;
“I just can’t ignore the Seals anymore,
     For Osama is dead, you see;
     And I gave the order, just me!”
               Said Me,
               And I.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Kathleen the Grate

A rousing success for the HHS
Is Kathy’s intent each day.
Her expert advice, both firm and precise,
Is frequently on display.

But being prepared is hard when impaired
With dyslexic ears and eyes.
She hears the inverse and reads in reverse
When trying to improvise.

Her latest discourse was backwards, of course,
In claiming our seniors will die
If Paul Ryan’s bill is passed on the hill,
And grandmother’s cash runs dry.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I'd Walk a Mile for Obama

That brilliant Obama machine
Wants all of our energy green;
     They’re trying to foil
     All uses of oil
From crude to refined propylene.

They’ve taxed us by gallons for years.
And now I’m afraid it appears
     On top they will pile
     A tax by the mile
Until all our wealth disappears.

You now feel the shock and the awe
That Democrats making the law
     Are willing to pass,
     On oil and gas,
To fashion their green Shangri-la.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Modern Viking Funeral

Enviro-nannies and their mates
Congregate in western states,
Debating laws that regulate
Toilets, lights and real estate.

To solve their carbon allergy,
Leftist leaders now would see
Cremation end, for it maintains
Carbonation of remains.

Those tie-dyed geniuses instead
Plan to liquefy our dead:
Potassium hydroxide mix
For the trip across the Styx.

This modern Viking funeral trend
Seems to me a bitter end.
And for myself, it gives me pain
Thinking I’ll go down the drain.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Leading From Behind

You might remember James Monroe,
Who did upon the world bestow
His famous doctrine, which decreed,
That European powers cede
Their efforts in our hemisphere,
Or on America’s frontier.

And Harry Truman’s doctrine said
We’d go to war to stop the spread
Of those who threatened liberty
With Marxist thought and tyranny.
That doctrine held until the fall
Of Russia and the Berlin Wall.

When JFK was president
He said it was our firm intent
That any burden, price or cost
Be paid that freedom not be lost.
In liberty his words enshrined
Our policy for all mankind.